File 1/1 By: Xoo "Quotes, Poems, and Other Shit" (Some of the stuff in here is taken from the Drugs Journal, which is an earier publication written by me, under my first handles, WoodStock and Paco.) Buy some booze, Buy a gun, if the cops come, you'd betta run. -School don't let you bring beer, vodka ain't beer -=Ways to say Mo' (no?)=- -Hook me up with some of that weed, man -Say 'No thanks' in front of teachers and shit, and take it after they leave -The only parties that kick ass are the ones where you get drunk -Lie if it means saving your beer -Avoid the Noid -Tobacco: In cigars and cigarettes, the stuff that tastes like shit, but kicks ass -Marijuana: A plant -can get you high, good stuff -Cocaine: From chocolate plants, why the fuq aren't they in my Hershey bar? -Drugs and Booze are fun to use -The Three things you need to survive, marijuana, a six pack of Budweiser, and a pack of Marlboro -Its fun to stayyyy, D - R - U - N - K (sing to YMCA tune) -You can tell if your sober, if you aren't vomiting shit all over the place. -A six pack a day, keeps your worries away -If you can't smoke, chew tobacco There once was a man from South Central Los Angeles He was so fucking high, that he shot himself -...and in further news, the rising cost of crack has "fucked up" so many innocent "dudes", and caused major "shit-breaks" to occur in the rectum area... -(woman having sex at a baseball game) Damn, this hotdog sure tastes funny, and i think i just cause i baseball... -------------------------------------------------------- XooJokes... (rip'd off of the internet) What do jello and a woman have in common? They both wiggle when you eat them. What do you call a truck loaded with vibrators? Toys for twats. What is a Yankee? The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone. What do women and condoms have in common? They both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick. What do you call two skunks that are 69ing? Odor eaters What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? Lickalotopuss Why do men name their penis? They like to be on a first name basis with the one making most of their decisions. What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen? Snowballs. Why do women have vaginas? If they didn't, men wouldn't talk to them. What does a rooster have that a man wants? A hard pecker. What kind of bees give milk? Boo bees What do gay men refer to hemorrhoids as? Speed bumps What is the difference between pussy and parsley? No one eats parsley. Why did Mickey Mouse have Minnie Mouse committed? She was fucking Goofy What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common? They both like a tight seal. What is the difference between Olympic swimmers, and Olympic divers? Mark Spitz and Greg swallows. What does Popeye do to keep his favorite tool from rusting? Sticks it in Olive Oyl. Why do only 30% of men get into Heaven? If it were more, it would be Hell. What is the first symptom of aids? A heavy pounding in the rectum. What has three teeth and sixty feet? The front row at a Willy Nelson concert. What is the new O.J. website address? slash slash backslash escape What did the lesbian frog say to the other lesbian frog? They're right! We do taste like chicken! What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common? The balls are just for decoration. What did the banana say to the vibrator? What are YOU shaking for? She is going to eat me! Why do girls rub their eyes in the morning? They have no balls to scratch What is the difference between erotic and kinky? erotic is using a feather....kinky is using the whole chicken. Why do men like big tits and tight pussy? Because they've got big mouths and little dicks. What is the difference between ooooooh and aaaaaaah? About three inches. What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers? Well hung. What is the difference between O.J. and the Lion King? One is a "lion" African the other is an African lion. What is the difference between a hormone, and an enzyme? You can't hear an enzyme. How do you make a hormone? Don't pay her. What do you call a gay dinosaur? Megasorass Why did God give women legs? So they don't leave slug tracks. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One..Men will screw anything Did you hear OJ is getting remarried? He's going to take another stab at it. How did Lisa Marie finally get Michael to have sex with her? She dressed up like a little boy. What does your sister and a screen door have in common? The harder you bang them, the looser they get. What's the difference between your sister and a Cadillac? Most guys haven't been in a Cadillac. Why'd the queer get fired from the sperm bank? Got caught drinking on the job. What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag? One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with....the other is used to carry groceries. Why did the blonde snort NutraSweet? She thought it was diet coke. What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back What is the mating call of a blonde? "I'm sooooo drunk!" What do a blonde and a computer have in common? Both are always going down on you. How does a blonde turn out the lights after having sex? She closes the car door. What does a smart blonde and a UFO have in common? You are always hearing about them, but you never actually see one. What did the blonde say when asked if she had been picked up by the fuzz? No...but I have been swung around by the tits. Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks? Takes too long to retrain them What did the blonde say when she opened a box of Cheerios? Oh look! Doughnut seeds! What do you call a blonde dyed brunette? Artificial intelligence Why was the blonde upset with her SAT scores? Because there was an F in sex What do you call a skeleton in a closet? The 1983 Blonde Hide and Seek Champion. What does a blonde put behind her ears to attract men? Her legs. What do you call three blondes in a freezer? Frosted Flakes What do you get when you cross a blonde and a pit bull? Your last blow job....ever! Did you hear that Home Base has come out with a new color of paint called "Blonde" ? It's not too bright but it spreads real easy. The OJ Trial as told by Dr. Suess I did not kill my lovely wife. I did not slash her with a knife. I did not bonk her on the head. I did not know that she was dead. I stayed home that fateful night. I took a limo, then took a flight. The bag I had was just for me. My bag! My bag! Hey, let it be! When I came home, I had a gash. My hand was cut from broken glass. I cut my hand on broken glass. A broken glass did cause that gash. My friend, he took me for a ride. All through L.A., from side to side. >From north to south, we took a ride. But from the cops we could not hide. My trial lasted for a year. A year! A year! Just sitting here! The DNA, the HEM, the HAW! The circus-hype the viewers saw! Did you do this awful crime? Did you do this anytime? I did not do this awful crime. I could not, would not anytime. Did you take this person's life? Did you do it with a knife? I did not do it with a knife. I did not, could not kill my wife. I did not do this awful crime. I could not, would not anytime. Did you hit her from above? Did you drop this bloody glove? I did not hit her from above. I cannot even wear that glove! The glove you see it doesn't fit. The lawyer says you must acquit. Acquit because the cops all lied. Acquit, acquit! The lawyer cried. The jury came back, verdict in hand. And silence fell across the land. Not guilty, not guilty, they did decree. Not guilty, not guilty, now set him free. And now I'm free, I can return, To my house for which I yearn. And to my family whom I love. Now would you please return my glove?! --_--_--_--_--_-- Some stupid story... __-__-__-__-__-__ The other day I went to the local religious book store, where I saw a HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car, and I'm really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed! I was stopped at the light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord, and didn't notice that the light had changed. That bumper sticker really worked! I found lots of people who love Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must REALLY love the Lord because pretty soon, he leaned out his window and yelled,"Jesus Christ!" as loud as he could. It was like a football game with him shouting, "Go Jesus Christ, Go!" Everyone else started honking, too, so I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all of those loving people.There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about a sunny beach, and saw him waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my two kids what that meant. They kind of squirmed, looked at each other, giggled and told me that it was the Hawaiian good luck sign. So, I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. Several cars behind, a very nice black man stepped out of his car and yelled something. I couldn't hear him very well, but it sounded like, "Mother trucker," or Mother's from there. Maybe he was from Florida, too. He must really love the Lord. A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and were walking toward me. I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed that the light had changed to yellow, and stepped on the gas. And a good thing I did, because I was the only driver to get across the intersection. I looked back at them standing there. I leaned way out the window, gave them a big smile and held up the Hawaiin good luck sign as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks. "The Ballad of the Bobbit Hillbillies" (Sing to the tune of "The Ballad of the Beverly Hillbillies") Well, here's a little story 'bout a man named John A poor ex-Marine with a little fraction gone. It seems one night, after gettin' with his wife She lopped off his schlong with a swipe of a knife. (Penis, that is. Rodeoed, filleted.) Well, the next thing you know there's a ginzu by his side And Lorena's in the car takin' willie for a ride She soon got tired of her purple-headed friend And tossed him out the window as she rounded a bend. (Curve, that is. Pricker shrubs, wheel hubs.) Well, she went to the cops and confessed to the attack So they called out the hounds just to get his weenie back They sniffed and they barked, then they pointed over there To John Wayne's henry that was wavin' in the air. (Found, that is. By a fence, evidence) Now, a peter and a John couldn't stay apart too long, So a dick-doc said "Hey! I can fix your dong! "A needle and a thread's just the thing you're gonna need." Then the world held it's breath, 'til they heard that Johnny peed. (Whizzed, that is. Stitched seam, straight stream.) Well, he healed and he hardened and he took his case to court With a cock-eyed lawyer since his assets came up short. They cleared her of assault and acquited him of rape And his pecker was the only thing they didn't show on tape. (Video, that is. Unexposed, case closed.) --=-=--=--=--=--=--=--=--=--=-- One of those Polish Jokes... There were three guys, a Polish guy, an Italian guy, and an American guy. They all did something very bad that they weren't supposed to do with this kings daughter. The King said, "I am going to shoot and kill each and every one of you." The American, the Italian and the Polish begged,"Please, please don't kill us." The king felt sorry for them and said, "Ok, here's the deal: You each have to pick a different fruit, and shove it up your butt. If you reach 100 without laughing, then you are free to live." The Italian, Polish and American thought this was a pretty good deal. So, the American got 100 grapes, he made it up to 57, looked over his shoulder, and started laughing, so the king shot him. Next was the Italian, he had chosen strawberries. He reached 98, looked over his shoulder, and started cracking up. The king then said,"Ok, you reached really close to one hundred, so I'll let you go. But just tell me, what the heck is so funny." The Italian replied, "The Polish picked watermelons!!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- PICK-UP LINES ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1. I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hands. 2. Can I borrow a quarter ["What for?"] I want to call my mom and tell her that I just met the girl of my dreams. 3. Is your dad a thief?? ["No."] Then how did he steal the sparkle of the stars and put it in your eyes? (Be ready with a snappy response in case they say "Yes.") 4. Your so hot, you melt the elastic in my underwear. 5. Would you be my love buffet?? So I can lay you out on the table and take what I want. 6. Let's go to my place and do the things I'll tell everyone we did anyway. 7. The word of the day is "legs." Let's go back to my place and spread the word. 8. You must be tired. ["Why?"] You were running through my dreams all night. 9. That outfit would look great crumpled in a heap on my bedroom floor. 10. My name's [state your name]. That's so you know what to scream. 11. My name's [state your name], but you can call me "Lover." 12. Nice shoes. Wanna fuck?? 13. What do you say we go out for a pizza and then a fuck?? ["No."] You don't like pizza?? (Be ready with a snappy response in case they say "Okay.") 14. Can I flirt with you?? 15. Your dad must've been a Baker, 'cause you got a nice set of buns. 16. [Look at his/her shirt tag. When they say, "What are you doing?"] Checking to see if you were made in heaven. 17. All those curves, and me with no brakes. 18. If I told you that you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?? 19. Fuck me if I'm wrong, but don't you want to kiss me? 20. [Grab his/her ass.] Pardon me, is this seat taken?? 21. Is it hot in here or is it just you? 22. Can you give me directions? ["To where?"] Your heart. 23. If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together. 24. How 'bout you sit on my lap and we'll see what pops up. 25. Do you know what would look good on you? Me. 26. I miss my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me? 27. How 'bout you and I go back to my place and get out of these wet clothes. 28. [Tap your thigh.] You just think this is my leg. 29. Say, that's a nice [dress/outfit/shirt/article of clothing]. Can I talk you out of it? 30. I lost my phone number. Can I have yours? 31. I hope you know CPR 'cause you take my breath away. 32. Excuse me, is that semen in your hair? 33. My face is leaving in 15 minutes. Be on it. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 50 Fun Things To Do In An Elevator -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1. Make race car noises when people get on and off. 2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers. 3. Grimace painfully while slapping your forehead and muttering, "Shut up dammit, all of you just SHUT UP!" 4. Whistle the first 7 notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly. 5. Sell Girl Scout Cookies. 6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator. 7. Shave. 8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask, "Got enough air in there?" 9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear your upside-down. 10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off. 11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to pull the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves. 12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper, "Ever had a Wet Willy?" 13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you "Admiral." 14. One word: Flatulence! 15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom. 16. Do Tai Chi exercises. 17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on." 18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back, "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!" 19. Give religious tracts to each passenger. 20. Meow occasionally. 21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose. 22. Frown and mutter, "Gotta go, gotta go," then sigh and say, "oops!" 23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected. 24. Sing "Mary Had a Little Lamb" while continuously pushing buttons. 25. Holler, "Chutes away!!" whenever the elevator descends. 26. Walk on with a cooler that says "Human Head" on the side. 27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce, "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator. 28. Burp, then say, "Mmmmm.....tasty!" 29. Leave a box between the doors. 30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them. 31. Wear a hand puppet and talk to the other passengers "through" it. 32. Start a sing-along. 33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, "Is that your beeper?" 34. Play the accordion. 35. Shadow box. 36. Say, "Ding!" at each floor. 37. Lean against the button panel. 38. Say, "I wonder what all these do?" and then push ALL the red buttons. 39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope. 40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space." 41. Bring a chair along. 42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger, "Wanna see wha in muh mouf??" 43. Blow spit bubbles. 44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings. 45. Announce in a demonic voice, "I must find a more suitable host body." 46. Carry a blanket a clutch it protectively. 47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button. 48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers. 49. Stare at your thumb and say, "I think it's getting bigger." 50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil fiercely and scream, "BAD TOUCH!" (-eof-) (c)nXo/loteknologies